Leave Me Wild; Struggling to find my place in the Western World

I’ve been restless recently, and everyone has been picking up on it…

I get asked what’s wrong on a daily basis, but that’s just it… nothing is wrong per se…

So why am I feeling so off?

I think. after a few weeks, I’ve finally figured out why… I haven’t been being true to myself…

I’m happy with who I am, the person I am, the decisions I make, and what I do with my life. I am. I’m happy with me… yet I feel stunted…

I feel like I’m holding myself back from people, because I know I’m a lot to handle. I’m full of energy, in your face, what you see is what you get… I’m a force to be reckoned with, and I can come into your life like a hurricane.

I’ve felt like a bull in a china shop my whole life… but I’m not…

I’m a lion…

I’m fierce, independent, honest and brutally blunt.

My friends love me for who I am. I love me for who I am.

So why have I been holding myself back?

Because I know a lot of people, a lot of society doesn’t accept me… and I’m tired of fighting… fighting to be me, fighting for what’s right, fighting to be accepted.

So I’m not going to bother.

Subconsciously, I’ve been holding myself back because even though I don’t particularly care what anyone thinks, as long as I’m happy… I’m tired of fighting all the bloody time.

I struggle to fit into the western world, because I want to be free to be me.

Who Am I?

A good friend once told me that as a woman approaches her 25th birthday, she suddenly knows exactly who she is… I didn’t believe her… until it happened to me.

I have never been more me, than I am now, and I have never been prouder of myself.

I’m a fighter, a warrior. 

But I’m also a healer, and a hippie. 

A free spirit and a gypsy soul. 

I have a bleeding heart, I try to save everyone, even to the detriment of myself… it’s a bad habit and I’m working on it.

I love life. Something that wasn’t always the case. I’m always up for an adventure, and I’m always down to hang.

I am who I am, and I’m happy.

So it’s time to kick the Western World up it’s arse. It’s time to stop worrying all the damn time, and just be.

None of us make it out of life alive anyway, so you might as well have a riot!

So here’s to the future… the good times to be had, and the good memories to be made. Because we all know life is too short, so Fuck it!

Life is meant to be lived, and I want to live every single moment of it!

So Leave Me Wild, there’s adventures to be had!

Peace and Love!

My Current Path; The Fire Inside

Every time I sit down to try and write a post about my journey, my path of healing, I can’t seem to find the right words to articulate myself…

Even the current blog post that I’ve written doesn’t go into as much detail as I’d like about my path… I can’t seem to find the right words…

And anyone who know’s me, know’s I’m never at a loss for words, both written and verbal… so why can’t I seem to express myself recently…

Because I’m trapped.

Like a bird, I’m trapped in a cage, and I long to just fly away, to stretch my wings and be free.

When I decided to return to England, I had no clue what I wanted. Both, short and long term. I had no idea if I even wanted to travel again.

Settling in back home… allowing myself the time to grieve and heal has given me a new awakening… and suddenly everything is clear…

I know my path… and oh is it magnificent! It’s windy and treacherous, yet exactly the challenge in life I need.

I’m a natural born healer, and right now I feel trapped in a cage, not able to heal anyone but myself.

I came home to work on myself… and I have… I’m stronger, fiercer and more alive than I ever have been before.

I’m more in tune with myself, nature and the universe… yet I’m still in shackles.

I’m tied down to a job… to having to save money again… starting from the beginning.

I’m in my hometown, a place where I’ve always felt I can’t really be me.

When I’m on the road, something in me comes to life, the fire awakens, and I am me. 

But every time I return, I feel the fire dampening slightly as the expectations of society try to weigh down on me.

But to be perfectly honest, society can go fuck itself!

I know I don’t want children. It’s not my path to take. But that also means I don’t plan on ever having someone financially dependent on me. I don’t have a biological clock ticking… I don’t have to tick any boxes by a certain age…

And wow, what a relief that is! It’s like the moment I realised I didn’t want kids, this weight on my soul, that I didn’t even know existed, lifted and I was free.

Free to be wholeheartedly me.

Suppressed in my hometown, I’m ready to be on the road again. To not hold myself back, to let myself loose on the world like a wrecking ball of fiery energy.

I’m becoming more and more me each day, and I know travelling again is going to set me on a whole new and exciting path of self discovery.

I’m so grateful to my first couple of travelling experiences, round Europe and then later Asia and America, because if I can do all that in the wake of crippling grief, imagine what I can do with no limitations.

I needed that experience to feel every single emotion I felt. I needed to be stripped down and made vulnerable so I could rise from the ashes.

But now I’ve risen, and am newly awakened, yet with no one to share this energy with. No place for it to go. Working ridiculous amounts of hours at work, I can feel the energy building within me, needing an outlet.

I’m ready to be me again. Wild and free, only answering to the Sun and Moon.

Ready to be on the road again, not being on anyone else’s time but my own. Able to stay as long as I want, as I don’t have a flight to catch home…

Able to get jobs in different places, learn new languages and try different cuisines.

I shouldn’t feel physical pain as I board my flight back home like I have on my last few flights… it’s all telling me the same thing…

Free my Gypsy Soul

So here’s to the wind of change… as much as I love my hometown, hopefully I’ll be out of here soon!

And maybe then, I’ll be ready to articulate the full emotional story uncut to you guys, about my path of healing.

Peace and Love!

Koh Ta Kiev – My Little Island Paradise

Koh Ta Kiev, is a Cambodian Island that has no electricity, wifi, or running water. Even the toilets are squat toilets that you have to hand flush with a bucket.

Me and my friend Mercede, who I met in Pai, decided to do something a little different. So we packed up our stuff, left it at our hostel, and only taking our daysacks, caught the boat to Koh Ta Kiev.

The company we booked our boat ticket with actually booked us on a tour boat, meaning we got to go to another island and snorkeling before we even reached Koh Ta Kiev!

Once we reached the Island, the tour guide said to be back at the boat for 1:30pm so they can all go cliff jumping.

Island Life

Now here’s the dilemma we had… We really wanted to stay on this remote island, in a hammock on the beach…but… the chance to go on a free island hopping tour… hell yeah!

After a little discussion, we decided to stick with our original plan, and got off on the Island.

The Island itself is literally something straight off a movie set. Turquoise, warm, clear, ocean water. White sandy beaches, and acres and acres of thick jungle.

This island was heaven on earth!

The tour guide took us to a guesthouse, that charged us $3 a night to hang up our hammocks, on the beachfront. We were 20ft from the waves.

We set up a little camp, that soon became home for the next 2 nights.

Being poor backpackers, we decided to really slum it on the island… making our own tuna mayo sandwiches everyday, sleeping in hammocks or on the beach itself, and even sharing meals.

We kept our costs down to a minimum and were able to live in island paradise for a few days, for less than $10 USD per person!

There’s plenty to do on the Island, from trekking through the jungle, to swimming in the clear waters in the day, or with bioluminescent plankton at night.

Be warned though, if you’re near coral beach, there may be a sign or two that warns you of sea urchins… this is a gross understatement. We actually avoided that part of the beach all together at one point as the amount of sea urchins was insane! A snorkel was definitely required to see where it was safe to put your feet!

After the initial 2 nights, we walked over to a small cafe to order lunch whilst we waited for our boat… there we heard about a massive party being thrown later that night at one of the hostels.

It was their anniversary. and they were expecting at least 500 guests to come and party with them.

Not ones to miss an opportunity we booked another night on a different part of the island, for only $1.50 a night! Score!

 

Unfortunately, we missed the boat to the party, and then there was a massive thunderstorm so we couldn’t walk there… though I suppose that was good for us as it meant we were not caught outside in the rain!

Nevertheless, we still had an amazing night lighting candles and talking to the early hours of the morning. It was the perfect last night to our little island paradise, before returning to the mainland.

En route back to the mainland, the booking company also took us to Elephant Rock… a rock shaped like an elephant that you can jump off. When you’re staying on the island, if there’s enough people interested, one of the hostels actually runs daily excursions to Elephant Rock, where you can all jump off.

DO IT! It’s amazingly scary, yet awesomely fun!

If there’s one place in Cambodia (other than Angkor Wat) I recommend going to, it’s Koh Ta Kiev! Island paradise!

Miko’s American Fuck It List

Hey Y’all,

As you know, I don’t believe in Bucket Lists, but rather Fuck It lists…

I’m heading to the states in a few weeks, and I’ve compiled a list of everything I want to do… I’ll be adding and checking things off the list as I go, and will be posting updates on Facebook and Instagram!

1. Go to New Orleans
2. Drive a muscle Car
3. Shoot a gun
4. Learn archery
5. Gallop on a horse
6. See an NBA game
7. See a college level Ice Hockey game
8. See a high school level football game
9. See a lingerie football game
10. Eat a loaded bagel
11. Try biscuits and gravy (my friend Mercede has demanded it of me!)
12. Got to a blues bar
13. Go on a road trip
14. Hear a traditional Native American story from an actual Native American.
15. Visit Standing Rock Reservation

Tattoo’s…Piercings…Oh My!

Recently I got a tattoo and quite a few piercings, as everyone keeps asking me about it I thought I’d write about my experience here, as it seems to be a topic of interest…

What’s the tattoo?

The tattoo is for my mum, and it’s something that I’ve wanted for years. When she used to tuck me in (for I’m not going to admit how many years!) she used to say the same thing each night;

Goodnight,
Sleep Tight,
Sweet Dreams,
See You In the Morning,
I Love You.

Whenever she said this, I never had a bad dream, whenever I was away on a school trip or at a friend’s house she’d text it to me, and as it happens, those were the last words I ever said to her… yeah, turns out I’m a sap – don’t tell anyone!

So I decided to get that, surrounded by lilies which were her favourite flower.

The other tattoo is “Darling” which is what I called my mum, as she was my Mother Darling…

Where are the tattoo’s?

So the Goodnight, Sleep tight is on my ribs, the lilies are on my stomach and back, and the Darling is on my wrist…

Where did you get them done?

At a sweet tattoo studio in Bromley called Valhalla… the lovely Sarah Sparkes did my tattoo’s and I couldn’t be happier with them! Seriously guys, I totally recommend this place if you’re looking for a tattoo, especially you’re first. It’s intimidating going into a tattoo studio usually, but at Valhalla, they’re so lovely I instantly felt welcome! And they totally take care of newbies like me!

Sarah was amazing when tattooing me, she was so open and honest about what to expect, and was happy work around me. If I needed a break, she was more than happy to give me a break, and was always checking in with me to see how I was doing!

 

Were you scared about the pain?

Nah… I honestly didn’t think of it! I wanted the tattoo too much, and I knew it was going to hurt, so I didn’t bother to think about the pain which was inevitable. I imagine that’s what it’s like when you’re pregnant… you know there’s going to be pain, but what’s the point in thinking about it!? Not that having a tattoo is anything like giving birth… well I hope at least!!

Did it hurt?

Bloody hell, yes! I got my ribs done first, which killed! As it was on my ribs I had to lay on my side with my arm over my head which is not the comfiest of positions. I think it wouldn’t have been so bad if I were laying on my front or back, but because I had to hold the position which isn’t that natural I think it made it more uncomfortable.

The first hour I was doing okay, I mean yeah, it hurt, but it was bearable. The last half an hour though… oh… my… god… As the skin was already raw from the outline, the shading on my ribs hurt like a mother!

Sarah was really lovely though, she could tell I was struggling and offered me breaks whenever I needed one!

The pain was so bad, but it was so worth it for how my tattoo looks, and how amazing it makes me feel! It feels as though I have a piece of my mum with me all the time now, and I couldn’t be happier! Getting my back tattooed wasn’t too bad, but my stomach and ribs were horrible! Never again!

My wrist barely hurt after that – it burned a little, but not even worthy of clenching my muscles to fight the pain! I could also see what she was tattooing on my wrist so could see how far along she was, whereas on my ribs, back and stomach I was blind, so had no idea how long was left!

Would you get any other tattoo’s?

Hell yeah! Already got my next 3 planned out – they’re so addictive! They all mean something to me, and represent a time in my life, past, present and future.

Will you regret it?

How can I regret something that represents my mum, and the love I had for her, and the love she had for me? That, for me is what my tattoo’s represent, and all future tattoos represent my friends, family and life as I’ve gone through different trials, and have still come out the other end fighting. I can’t regret what made the person I am today…

Why all the piercings?

Now here’s where it gets a little deep and philosophical… I’ve been stuck in limbo since August… will or won’t my mum survive… will or won’t she make a recovery… when will it be the end to her suffering?

Not being able to truly live as I was always worrying about my mum, and had to be ready to drop all plans at a moment’s notice to be there for her.

Once she passed, I thought Limbo would be over… but it wasn’t… I was then in Limbo over my job… the house… when I can leave… Everything in my life felt so out of my control, but there was one thing I could control… my appearance.

You know how when you go through a bad breakup, you go out and drastically cut your hair, partly to prove to yourself you’re a different person, a daredevil, that you won’t be hindered, and partly due to the fact that you need a change from the oppressive feelings of hopelessness…

…Well, instead of getting a hair cut, I got pierced… nothing drastic, just a small nose stud and a few piercings in my ear, something that made me feel like a different person, like I’m no longer living in Limbo, like I’m becoming me…

I’m not sure if it’s a long term solution, but it’s sure cheered me up in the short-term! No regrets!

 

I’m going on an air plane, and I don’t know when I’ll be back again…

I’ve booked my flight… Bangkok, here I come!

Exciting news people! I’m off to Thailand in a few short weeks on a one way ticket.

I’m super excited about it, to the point where I’m having to restrain myself from packing already… I’m not leaving for another 5 weeks.

But it is time to get all my affairs in order, which includes being stuck in the arm by multiple needles, sorting bank cards, visa’s and other travel essentials.

It’s going to be a whirlwind few weeks of meeting up with all my friends, working as many hours as I can and trying not to spend any money (best stay away from Primark then)!

It’s time to start a new chapter in my life and get away from all the dark times I’ve had in England, and start afresh.

So what’s the plan?

A good question asked by all my friends. What’s the plan… The original plan was to not work at all in South East Asia, and then get a job once I reach Australia. However, I’ve had to dip into my savings the past few months for various bits and bobs, so I may actually have to work a little sooner than I thought. Who know’s?

I was getting worried about money, and I think that’s why I put off booking my flight. Then I remembered what my mum always said…  It’s just money… 

I need to go on an adventure, and get away from everything and start new… you can always find the excuse that you don’t have enough money, but if you don’t go now, you never will.

What’s the worst that will happen? I’ll run out of money and will either go to Australia sooner than expected, or come home sooner that expected. Either way, it’s going to be a wild and crazy ride till I get to my next destination in life. And I’m looking forward to it.

For the first time in over a year I’m looking forward to what the future holds, and I’m ready for it to come at me.

If I’ve survived this last year from hell, then I sure as hell can survive anything South East Asia throws at me.

Thailand… come at me bro!

Where to Next…

The plan was always to go to South East Asia, and now suddenly, it’s crept up on me and it’s time to book my ticket!

I was supposed to go in mid-November, but due to recent circumstances, my timeline may move up and I may be buying a ticket for next month… Eeek!

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m nervous or scared to be going, the honest answer… no! Maybe if I felt like I was leaving something behind I would be scared, but there’s not really much left for me in England anymore.

I’ll miss my friends of course, but I’ll see them all again when I return… be it in 6 months or 2 years…

I’m sure they’ll all miss me a lot, because let’s face it, I’m pretty awesome 😉 but with today’s technology it’s easy to keep in contact with everyone.

So… where in South East Asia am I going…?

Below is the official plan… but then again, we all know how my plans turn out…!

Bangkok, Thailand
Chiang Mai, Thailand
Pai, Thailand
Chaing Rai, Thailand
Bokeo, Laos
Luang Prabang, Laos
Xieng Khoang, Laos
Vang Vieng, Laos
Vientiane, Laos
Khammouane Province, Laos
Savannahkhet, Laos
Champsak, Laos
Bolaven Plateu, Laos
VIETNAM
CAMBODIA
Koh Chang, Thailand
Koh Phangan, Thailand
Ko Toa, Thailand
Khao Yai, Thailand
Railay, Thailand
Ko Yao Yai, Thailand
Phi Phi Islands, Thailand
Phuket, Thailand

Cliché’s and Happiness… Why I don’t care what people think

If you were to Google the word cliché, it would say:

A phrase or opinion that is overused and betrays a lack of original thought.

Such a negative description of the word… it’s a cliché for a reason… to me, the word cliché doesn’t reflect a lack of originality… (unless you’re talking about those stupid love triangle Rom Com’s that I can’t stand… think of another storyline people!). To me, cliché means it’s the standard experience everyone goes through…

I mean, think of all the good experience’s in your life… if you were to really think about it, I bet most of them would be a cliché…

• Going on a holiday to chillax on a beach because you need to get away from your life back home for a few days… cliché.
• Falling in love with someone, and finding it changes you as a person, but for the better… cliché.
• Quitting your job and travelling around the world…cliché.
• Running to the airport to stop that special someone getting on a plane without you declaring your love first… (Okay, that may just happen in films, because could you imagine someone trying to run through security at Heathrow Airport! Ha! – but you get my point!)

Since coming back from travelling, there are loads of cliché’s I want to use…

“Travelling changed me”

“I discovered a lot about myself I never even knew!”

“I’m a lot more laid back since coming back from Europe”

Today’s society has conditioned me into believing this is a bad thing… but why!?

Why is it bad that I wear beaded bracelets and want to live in the moment? Why is it bad that I don’t want to put down roots and travel the world still? Why is it bad that I’m turning into a hippy!?

If I’m happy, who cares if I’m a walking cliché or not!?

We spend so much of our time trying to impress people, and live up to certain expectations… and for what…!?

A friend of mine recently said “I love watching your snapchat stories and reading your facebook updates, because you just don’t care”. And she’s right… I really don’t! I stopped caring what other people thought a few months ago, and I love living in ignorant bliss!

Since becoming a lot less highly strung, and so laid back I’m sometimes practically horizontal, all my closest friends have commented on how much happier I seem.

I’ve cut out a lot of the negative things and people in my life, be it from “friends” to family. If you have someone in your life who is constantly questioning your happiness, lifestyle, clothing, looks etc. and just generally makes you feel miserable then why keep them around? Why suffer through that!?

Life is short – (Ooooo – another cliché!)

But it’s true! We were born to do more than work, pay bills and die! Life is short! We’re not all guaranteed 90 years! Tragically, a lot of us go before our time, and who want’s to look back at their life thinking “I wish I did X,Y,Z, but I didn’t because what would people think!?”.

I say, as long as you’re not hurting anyone, do whatever you damn well please to ensure your own happiness… be it from packing it all in and booking that plane ticket, to dumping that girlfriend/boyfriend you’ve been with for too long.

Enjoy life, make the most of it, and you know what… Fuck It!

Getting Sexually Assaulted on a Night Bus to Amsterdam

You hear about women being sexually assaulted every day in the news unfortunately, but as a young female traveller, I know I can’t let that hold me back from travelling… until I got sexually assaulted myself.

As I sit here typing this, I keep thinking of those words… “Sexually Assaulted”… it’s so black and white… so bold… so… awful! And all I keep thinking is “did what happen to me really count as a sexual assault? It wasn’t that bad!”

Google defines Sexual Assault as “any involuntary sexual act in which a person is coerced or physically forced to engage against their will, or any non-consensual sexual touching of a person.”

Any non-consensual sexual touching of a person…

Think on those words for a second… what do they mean…? What is defined as a sexual touch? Is the guy pressing up against me on the underground sexually assaulting me? Or can he not help it? Is that someone’s bag pressing into my back, or something else?

What is a sexual touch?

A couple of weeks ago I got the night bus to Amsterdam. I wasn’t particularly worried, despite some of my friends worries. My plan was to snatch up a window seat and snooze the entire 10 hour journey there… unfortunately there were problems boarding, and by the time I got on the bus, there weren’t many seats to choose from.

I managed to snag a window seat next to a harmless looking guy, somewhere in his mid to late 20’s. I didn’t think anything of it, didn’t really give him a second look, just settled in for the long journey to Amsterdam.

About an hour into the journey, the guy next to me rested his hand between our seats, palm down. Seemingly oblivious to the fact that a couple of his digits were on my seat.

Looking back, I wish I’d said something then and there, but I didn’t want to cause a scene, and didn’t see it as too much of a problem, I still had plenty of seat left, and the window to lean on. I didn’t want to make a fuss.

As we neared Dover, his hand crept more and more onto my seat. I was getting really annoyed by this, I mean, how rude can you get!? I was tired, uncomfortable and angry. But I figured we were about to board the boat, no point making a scene, things will work themselves out.

I made a friend with another guy from our coach on the boat, a friendly Aussie guy who I told about the weirdo I was sat next to. He couldn’t believe how inconsiderate and weird my seat mate was, but again, both of us didn’t really think much of it.

We arrived in France at around 1am local time… back on the bus, I settled in for a snooze, when I felt the presence of his hand on the seat again. Now I was really annoyed, but he had his head tipped back and his eyes closed, he appeared to be asleep.

Still feeling uncomfortable, I decided there was no point in making a scene, he was obviously asleep, I might as well settle down for the night…

…I woke up less than an hour later to him drawing circles on my arm.

This immediately freaked me out! What the fuck was this weirdo doing?! This is when I started to feel a little scared. I pretended to be asleep and nudged him hard with my elbow before setting up camp right next to the window – body language making it obvious I was uncomfortable…

The next 4 hours I sat in fear, body tense, as the guy next to me got bolder and bolder. His hand sneaking more and more onto my seat as he rubbed the side of my leg, first with his pinky and then with his ring finger too.

I felt like crying… I didn’t know what to do. He was being sneaky by pretending to be asleep.

“Should I cause a scene? Should I tell someone? What do I do!?” I sat frozen in fear having no idea what I should do. “No one will believe me” I thought. “He’s pretending to be asleep, it’s my word against his!” “Is this how sexual assault victims feel like?”

Is this sexual assault!? He’s just rubbing my leg… is he assaulting me?

I’ve told this story to many of my friends… laughing it off, because the truth of it is that if I really look into this… think about how I felt… it makes me want to cry.

It makes me upset that I didn’t have the courage to speak up for myself. It makes me furious that I thought no one would believe me, and I had to sit for hours whilst some sicko tried to touch me. It makes me depressed to know that those sicko’s are closer than you think. It makes me confused, was I assaulted? Am I blowing this out of proportion?

It makes me doubt myself, disappointed I didn’t have the courage to punch him in the nuts and make a scene. I’m trying to be courageous, yet one sicko made me feel like a scared little girl.

No more!

Dear readers, guys, girls, men, women… it doesn’t matter who you are.. if someone’s actions makes you uncomfortable… call them out on it… don’t sit in silence… people will believe you. Don’t let some sicko make you cower in the corner like a bedraggled kitten. Stand up for yourself, what have you got to lose?

I wish I’d said something… I’m not going to let this experience stop me from travelling, it’s not going to make me afraid… it’s going to make me courageous… courageous enough to break the fingers of the next guy who tries this with me. Courageous enough to alert the driver or another passenger.

Courageous enough to not sit there in silence, doubting myself, scared to move, and petrified to fall asleep.

This experience is just that… an experience… yes, it was awful, but it could have been so much worse… so I’ll learn from it… I’ll move on from it… but I won’t forget it… it’ll help shape me into being a stronger person.

Because next time… I won’t sit in silence…

August 2016 – What’s Next

I’ve been back less than 3 days and everyone I have spoken to has asked me the same words… “What’s Next?”

Well… Considering I’m so poor I can’t even afford to get the bus to training… I guess it’s time to get a job… *gulp*

C’mon, Miko, you knew this time would come, time to man up, and go out there and get a job so you have some dough in your pocket…

I guess the main reason I don’t want a job is that it’ll take away my freedom… Heck, I just buggered off to Berlin for 5 days at a drop of a hat, can’t do that with a job… but I am ridiculously broke, so I guess I can’t do that without a job either…

So I guess the plan is to get a job… clear out my mums house, and then bugger off half way round the world for a few years… South East Asia, Australia and America are currently in the cards depending on budget…

So I guess I’ll have to work hard the next few months to get some money… shame I don’t know how to pole dance… I hear they make a mint!